Today I received a Christmas card from some outfit in North Carolina that looked all sweet and seasonal on the front of the card, but something seemed off before I even opened the envelope.
There was something granular going on inside the card...like when you pick up a packet of raw sugar at Starbucks. That's when I knew someone was trying to kill me with SARS! That's when I grabbed a trash can and opened the envelope over it, to be safe. Good thing I did, because purple dust rained down when I pulled the card out. There on the cover was a safe and happy looking little Teddy Bear dressed like Santa Claus and holding what appears to be a list of some sort (I suspect it was a list of people to maul).
Opening the card I was struck by the after-effects of what can only be described as "candy-carnage". A poor purple sucker had been struck down in the prime of it's life, crushed by the proverbial boot of the US Postal Service. Sucker guts were everywhere, the wrapper that once housed this sweet confection a shadow of it's former self. Starkly contrasted by the proud white stick still clinging to a small piece of what was once the suckers body.
Then I read this ominous message, "Wouldn't Have to Check Twice, Santa Knows You're Extra Nice." IS that a threat? Crush my Christmas Spirit why don't you, with candy death threats received through the mail. I am shocked and a little nervous ever time I see a cute teddy bear dressed like Santa, wondering if he is there to "sucker" me.
On another note? Who sends suckers through the mail in an envelope anymore? Is my grammy working for this outfit?
Merry Christmas Everyone!!
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